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A funny thing happened on the way to the press... |
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Written by Finnian Herzfeld
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Wednesday, 01 April 2009 |
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We feel as though it is not fair for us to laugh at others without laughing at ourselves. We dedicate this entire paper to satire, and we need to direct some of that inward. We do this in the Main Ed because nobody reads it so it won’t matter. It’s amazing that we are even able to publish this paper on account that the ad team spends the period talking about junior gossip. Thank goodness for Ana Proehl and Shane’s hair. JP is talking about his hair again, and offering to reveal his Speedo. JP is highly inappropriate. Hannah Rapp holds all the power surrounding grades, which must be why everybody got A’s. There are only four people on staff who have actually contributed stories for the past issues. The rest beg to be on page teams, which they don’t even finish until the last minute. Will Prahl eats Doritos with chopsticks; it is possibly the strangest thing-- that or the fact that he is able to wear a trench coat and nobody questions it. Sam Wiess is a newspaper god; nothing, absolutely nothing, would be accomplished without him. Alex MacLeod and Nico Hall go out on dates every Wednesday night; they are actually the only couple in the class this year. Zak is jealous.H Moore has not written one story this year, yet somehow he landed the job of Sports Editor. Not that section editors actually matter at all this year. Speaking of section editors, shout-out to Hadley Mowe. Even though you opted out of a semester of telephone pictionary we still love you. Why is Luke the cockiest person Hannah has ever met? Probably because we put his story on the cover, only because it was a better alternative to putting penises on the cover.Haley and Chelsea are a powerful duo, and when combined they are the greatest force of nice. And Allison is always hiding in the corner making crafts. We think the only reason Walker, Mary and Amanda are on the staff is because of their family ‘legacy’, or, in Walker's case, his delicious sense of style. Grant Kelly does more than most people on the staff. He is by far the greatest asset to the team. Next year it is very unclear who the editorial board will be. It might include Cooper, he writes stories sometimes. That’s how Rebecca got the job. The other juniors are all on ad team, so good luck next year, Cooper! Oh and Beatrix. Photo team will survive through Rehane, however without Sam it might be hard to create photos of Jesus appearing in chalk. The editors don’t even know all the stories that go in the paper. We are really letting Libby down. This year we have published six papers so far. Last year at this time Libby had published 14 on her own. Leeman doesn’t mind though because there are not as many late nights, so he can spend time with his sick children. So don’t be surprised if this is our last issue. We don’t have enough money to make any more.
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