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Written by Mackenzie Weekesand Alice McAdams High school dropouts   
Wednesday, 01 April 2009
As March is coming to a close and the May 1 deadline looms nearer, you’re probably facing a significant pile of formal-looking envelopes. Each of these letters holds a different key to your future, and it’s your job in these next stress-filled months to make the decision that will shape the rest of your life. Choose the wrong college, and you’re facing homelessness, bankruptcy, death, and maybe even living in your parents’ basement for the rest of your adult life. We know it’s a difficult situation, which is why we’re here with some key tips to help you navigate through the turbulent sea of selecting your dream institution 1. Choose the college that offers you the worst financial aid package. These colleges know how to play the field. They don’t want to seem clingy—they want to let you come to them! Like the kid who would throw grass at you when you were little, these colleges are just showing they really like you in a counter-intuitive way.
2. May 1? Only for nerds. Really cool kids know to keep colleges on their toes by waiting a week or so after the submission date to send in letters of acceptance.This shows the school who’s boss. The ball’s in your court now, and disobeying their ridiculous deadlines is a good old-fashioned display of dominance over “the man.”
3. Throw away the roommate application. Don’t send it in and you’ll score a sweet single. The first to send it in is the first to get stuck with the much worse 2009 college version of Steve Urkle. Avoid the awkward business of having to memorize the names of your new roommate’s dozen pet snakes or having to hide your DVD collection from your clepto dorm buddy. Ignore the form and take the passive path to a single suite.
4. School colors don’t look good on you? Scratch it off your list. You don’t want to live through four years of having to avoid homecoming games with the lame excuse that you’re still not over the Generals.
5. Just go to the college where your friends go. No one really makes new friends in college anyways.
6. Don’t take no for an answer. So a college sends you a rejection letter—so what? You are a fabulous student, you wrote 15 drafts of your Common App essay, you took the ACT eight times, and you’ve erected a shrine to the school in your bedroom—why should some grumpy old admission counselor get to decide your future? Simply shred that rejection letter and show up on the first day of school anyways. They might be a bit shocked, but colleges love students with a sassy personality.
Now that we’ve cleared things up for you, all you have left to do is follow our advice. It’s obviously top-notch. When you’re finished thanking the universe for having provided you with us, you can send thank-you gifts to our respective doorways. Mackenzie likes things with caramel and Alice likes chocolate.
 
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