| We solve problems | | Print | |
| Written by Taylor Bailey Maddi Hanlon-Austin Unicorn and cat | |
| Wednesday, 01 April 2009 | |
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Grantonian Issues 4/1/2009 Quote of the Issue: “Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.” - Author Unknown Dear Grantonian Issues, We are trying to write an advice column for our school paper but no one is writing to us with their problems!! You obviously have a really great, super awesome, hella successful advice column and we want to be just like you. How do you do it? Another thing is that our adviser is going to cancel our column if we don’t get some letters for the next issue. HOW CAN WE SAVE OUR PAPER AND THE WORLD?! --Definitely Not Taylor and Maddi Dear Definitely Not Us, Wow, you definitely have a worthy issue. Seeing as we are the great Taylor and Maddi and totally don’t have this problem, we can definitely help you. We suggest you promote holliganism and shenanigans throughout your school. In doing so, everyone will develop problems and begin clamoring for your assistance. This is a completely logical plan and nothing even remotely bad could result. Good luck! --Us Dear Grantonian Issues, I’ve been late to class multiple times because the ****ing doors are always locked and even when there is someone standing right on the other side and I knock, they don’t bother to open it! I wouldn’t be so angry about this except for the fact that no matter what door I go to, it’s always the same kid on the other side making out with his girlfriend. Not to mention that when I finally get inside, THEY ARE ALWAYS IN FRONT OF MY LOCKER!!! It’s so gross. I swear they do it on purpose. How do I avoid the hot sweaty hump mass? --Victim of Public Displays of Affection Dear Victim of PDA- It seems as though you are being lock blocked in all senses of the phrase. This is a very serious and potentially fatal issue. If urgent action is not taken, you are in danger of spending the rest of your high school career as the guy who tolerates PDA. Besides, there’s only a certain number of times you can get away with saying someone’s awkward attempts at clothed groping is the root of your lateness. Obviously, when someone wrongs you, it is the best course of action to do it right back. We suggest you find yourself a girlfriend or, whatever, and follow them around returning the favor. As we always say, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, get the hell away from my locker.” --Us As always, send your problems to This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it . |
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